A Giraffe Called Tewkesbury Mustard

-

I had heard many rumours concerning the Professor's great uncle, the widely-respected ecclesiastical scholar, the Reverend Prebendary-without-Portfolio, Glanton Pyke. While briefly trapped in a defective lift between floors at The National Pith Helmet Museum, the Professor eventually confided the vexatious story to me. 

The National Pith Helmet Museum

“Following his recovery from a sudden crisis of faith, Glanton began to invest an increasing amount of his time in researching the role of the lithophone in the development of modern liturgical music. He was determined to see this project through to its conclusion, in spite of warnings from colleagues and a passing onion seller that he was neglecting his long-held ambition to be appointed to the office of Suffragan. After some years, he triumphantly presented his conclusions in the legendary lecture hall at The Monkton Up Wimborne Seminary and Butterfly Observatory. It's said that on that day many tears of joy were shed, many lives were changed and Nottinghamshire were 109 for 2 at tea. Certainly, everyone present on that pivotal day will never forget his fateful words: 

‘There's no connection whatsoever between the lithophone and modern liturgical music, so let's forget all about this claptrap and go to the pub.’  ”

The Professor sighed emphatically before concluding in a subdued fashion:  

“A few short weeks later, Glanton realised he was being followed at all times by a giraffe. The giraffe's name was said to be ‘Tewkesbury Mustard’.”

Glanton Pyke & Tewkesbury Mustard

At this point, the lift resumed its journey and we were able to study, in some depth, a fine and erudite display on the botanical classification and uses of aeschynomene aspera. I strongly recommend a visit to this fine museum, if you're able to find it, especially since the gift shop stocks a fine array of ineffective helmets and a large number of thoroughly pointless, overpriced trinkets. 

Location: Monkton Up Wimborne

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Dorothea Tanning on a Passing Train

-
Image
Early last Absolu, Daglet Scribacious was convinced that he had seen Dorothea Tanning on a passing train. To his considerable regret, he failed to attract her attention.   That night, he dreamed of dancing with Ann Radcliffe to the music of Mozart.  The next morning, the Professor and I insisted on buying him a double espresso or three at his favourite coffee shop. We conversed at length on the weather, our favourite umbrellas and the best way to cook toad in the hole.  It was so much safer that way.
Read more

The Ice House

-
Image
This year I accompanied the Professor on his annual visit to Grammersow Hall, the crepuscular stately home in Moreton on Lugg. Following a bracing constitutional around the grounds, I came across the Professor deep in thought at the entrance to the Ice House. After some minutes had passed, he spoke:  "I come to this place on every Saint Jude The Uncertain day. It was here that I last set eyes upon my great friend Admiral Quilkin  * . He marched into the Ice House, giving me a cheery wave as he disappeared. But he did not return. Some say he's playing glockenspiel in a reggae band on the outskirts of Tromsø. But I recently received an anonymous letter claiming that he'd been spotted buying blotting paper and safety pins in a shop just outside Wrangle Lowgate. That does sound the more likely option." "But Professor," I felt compelled to ask. "If he failed to return, then could he still be in there somewhere?" The Professor's expression became ind...
Read more

Meeting on the Quai General Leclerc

-
Image
 I came across a photograph in the Professor's archive. On the back, written indistinctly in pencil, were the words: “We met at noon in the restaurant on the Quai General Leclerc. M Lebeurre had some interesting information for me. Must remember to buy milk and a piano on the way home.”
Read more