The Professor Peregrine Papers

Eight o'clock, Place du Châtelet: As he sat outside his favourite café, Daglet Scribacious was surprised by a visit from the ghost of Paul Éluard.

Recently the Professor gave the Lumpy Stevens Memorial Lecture during which he strove to call into question a number of well-known paranormal phenomena. These included the legend of The Singing Rabbit of Haytor Rocks, which the Professor insisted was due to a trick of the light combined with a foolhardy overuse of metaphors. Shortly after, however, the Professor received a letter from The Moderately Reverend Moreton Valence containing indisputably spurious photographic evidence to the contrary. To underline the strength of his conviction on this matter, Valence went on to argue for the introduction of compulsory juggling at all church services and declare himself to be the reincarnation of King Beornred of Mercia.  This missive greatly moved the Professor and, staring into his rapidly cooling cup of fourth flush Darjeeling, he admitted to the first glimmerings of doubt. Leaning towards me conspiratorially, he whispered: “I must consider this in greater depth by visiting the Temple ...

In the course of an evening stroll to the newsagents to purchase the latest edition of “The Square Leg Fielder's Quarterly”, the Professor began reminiscing about some of his former colleagues. “Professors Brabagious, Ricksteddle and Catterning spent many years travelling the less populated parts of Devon and Dorset in an attempt to complete their work on the tea and water biscuit ceremony reputed to take place annually in those parts on St. Benedict's Day. Everywhere they went, they were greeted by cheering crowds but, sadly, failed to find any trace of the fabled ceremony.”  The Three Professors and Mrs Ethel Slump The Professor paused and stared wistfully at a skein of geese crossing the sky, before continuing in a sad and leaden tone. “Rumour has it that they were often accompanied by a ghost called Mrs Ethel Slump, but I've no time for such tomfoolery. They were last seen setting out to sea on a makeshift raft somewhere near Budleigh Salterton. ”

One afternoon our conversation turned to augury and soothsaying for no good reason that I can recall. As usual, the Professor had an anecdote to tell from his long and convoluted life. “Many years ago I had occasion to visit the residence of that notable expert on Italian Pipe Cleaners and aficionado of the ciaramedda, Professor Stefano Cavatappi. Although a man noted for his pauciloquy and ineffectual juggling, he insisted on attempting to divine my future by staring into a wine bottle." "He informed me that I would become a successful but languorous plumber and that I would adopt the name of Jimmy Spangles. So far, this hasn't happened. But, in his defence, he did accurately predict the number of no-balls in the next Test Match against Australia.” 

The Professor is very much the archetype of a rational man (he denies this) but, the other day, I did venture to ask him if he had any experience of the paranormal. His answer sent a chill down my spine. “Some years ago, while taking an afternoon constitutional in the walled garden of Lord Parvanimity of Foddington's estate, I came across the ghostly figure of a cowled monk. He pointed directly at me and declared in a portentous voice that I should repent before it was too late.... or something like that. Anyway, we got chatting and it turned out that his name was Brian and that he was doomed to walk poorly-attended gardens and deliver vague messages of impending doom.  We went off to the local pub (The Trombone and Gooseberry, I believe it was called) and, after a few pints of fine local ale, parted on good terms. As he drifted off into a cloud of diaphanous mist he gave me a tip on a horse called Elozable Mineshaft in the 3:30 at Chepstow the following day. I'm not normally a...

I have often urged the Professor to cast a little light upon some of the less documented periods of his life. Eventually one Tuesday afternoon last spring, as he sipped a cup of particularly doubtful Lapsang Souchong, he recalled a quite unexpected episode of many years ago:  “I must confess that there was a disturbing period of approximately 3 weeks in which I was pursued by a robot. At the time I was attempting to publish my now-famous and, dare I say, groundbreaking paper entitled ‘Formidophobia in the Sermons of the Reverend Mawkin Barcarole’. I was so unnerved by this paranormal episode that publication was delayed by some months. I surreptitiously took this photograph at the time.” I studied this image for several minutes before venturing to suggest: “Forgive me Professor, but I can't help noticing a striking resemblance between the robot in this photograph and Professor Atrabilious of Kirmond le Mire University, dressed in a ludicrous costume. Professor Atrabilious is, I bel...