The Professor Peregrine Papers

One afternoon our conversation turned to augury and soothsaying for no good reason that I can recall. As usual, the Professor had an anecdote to tell from his long and convoluted life. “Many years ago I had occasion to visit the residence of that notable expert on Italian Pipe Cleaners and aficionado of the ciaramedda, Professor Stefano Cavatappi. Although a man noted for his pauciloquy and ineffectual juggling, he insisted on attempting to divine my future by staring into a wine bottle." "He informed me that I would become a successful but languorous plumber and that I would adopt the name of Jimmy Spangles. So far, this hasn't happened. But, in his defence, he did accurately predict the number of no-balls in the next Test Match against Australia.” 

To assist in my biographical efforts, the Professor helpfully jots down a few notes whenever he recollects random incidents from his past. Sadly, most of these notes turn out to be shopping lists, receipts for dry cleaning or scorecards from long-forgotten matches. However, written on the back of a leaflet for gutter cleaning services, the following words proved to be particularly instructive and illuminating. I hope that others will be as moved as I by his account. “I remember my father saying to me when I was still a callow youth, ‘Treasure the words of Maharaja Jam Saheb of Nawanagar and remember his sterling service to the county of Sussex.’  With that, his genial but confused demeanour became stern and momentous.  ‘But, at the same time, never forget the contribution of a man such as Mr George Brann and his partnerships with Mr C B Fry at Lords. And while you're at it, open another bottle of that fine sherry, my boy.’ The Professor's Father Takes Guard I refreshed his gl...

As is widely acknowledged, the Professor has a considerable knowledge and appreciation of some of the lesser-known wines of the world. His enthusiasm for the Hebdomadal and Gallimaufry grapes is legendary. Following extensive research into his family history, he now attributes this oenophilic passion to the influence of his great-great-whatever uncle Nefandous Peregrine who was for many years chief sommelier at the renowned and highly-exclusive Balatronic Club at Chilton Candover.  The club remains exclusive to this day and is housed in a fine, Palladian building which is invisible to anyone with a lesser rank than Viscount, although Barons, Baronets and the occasional Thane are able to vaguely make it out on alternate Thursdays in the month preceding Michaelmas. Sadly, Nefandous Peregrine was eventually accused of unsportingly using spiked loafers in a hotly-contested Beaujolais Nouveau race and was forced into early retirement. He was last seen at a Dadaist cabaret sharing an imp...