The Professor Peregrine Papers

Professor Peregrine has made an extensive and lengthy study of English folklore, traditions and puddings which culminated in his recent monograph entitled “What the Hocktide Is This All About Then?” (Vilipend Press, 2024). In order to learn more, I accompanied the Professor to the Annual Tree Glorification Festival in Gully-on-the-Mooch. The day began with the time-honoured breakfast of trampled potato and ambiguous berry jam before groups of villagers meandered into the nearby woods making vague, complimentary comments about the trees. Every now and then the traditional cry of “This bark is adequate for the most part” was heard, drifting through the woodland. After an hour or so of tedious but symbolic strolling about, the critical moment arrived. The villager known as the “Pompous Japer” stepped forward, resplendent in his purple top hat, and declared a particular tree to be the chosen one. The Japer then insulted the tree unconvincingly for 5 minutes or so before finishing with ...

The Professor often appears to be a paragon of equanimity. However, there are incidents from his past which, to this day, trouble him greatly. In particular, the difficult episode concerning Faustroll and the umpire comes to mind.  During a match at Gussage St Andrew, Faustroll instigated a heated discussion with the umpire on the interpretation of the LBW rule which then escalated into a disagreement on the way apples should be added to an apple cake. Play was suspended and fears were expressed that the entire season might be disrupted.  The Professor intervened and began to deliver a long lecture on Marcel Proust's cycling tour of Norfolk during which the celebrated author learnt the secret of bowling a particularly devious googly. Proust is said to have subsequently employed this version of the wrong'un to great effect against a visiting Norwegian eleven in a match at Balbec. So tedious did this lecture prove to be that Faustroll and the umpire agreed to differ before the P...