The Annual Tree Glorification Festival

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Professor Peregrine has made an extensive and lengthy study of English folklore, traditions and puddings which culminated in his recent monograph entitled “What the Hocktide Is This All About Then?” (Vilipend Press, 2024). In order to learn more, I accompanied the Professor to the Annual Tree Glorification Festival in Gully-on-the-Mooch.

The day began with the time-honoured breakfast of trampled potato and ambiguous berry jam before groups of villagers meandered into the nearby woods making vague, complimentary comments about the trees. Every now and then the traditional cry of “This bark is adequate for the most part” was heard, drifting through the woodland.

After an hour or so of tedious but symbolic strolling about, the critical moment arrived. The villager known as the “Pompous Japer” stepped forward, resplendent in his purple top hat, and declared a particular tree to be the chosen one. The Japer then insulted the tree unconvincingly for 5 minutes or so before finishing with the traditional rhyme: “Call yourself a tree? You not be good enough for me!”

The Pompous Japer

Men dressed in white coats then paraded wheelbarrows containing a pumpkin and a violin through the village as the long-established, solemn cry of “Who's he when he's at home?” was shouted by any passer-by who could be bothered. 

The White Coat Man of Gully-on-the-Mooch

I was eager to hear the Professor's reflections on the metaphysical and numinous implications of the day's events as we sat in the snug of the “Balloon Whisk and Dachshund” that evening. After some thought and a sip or two of the local, equivocal cider, he told me: “It could have been worse. A decent show of hats this year.”

Location: Gully-on-the-Mooch

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