The Professor was in a pensive but loquacious frame of mind recently following a particularly agreeable game of pitch penny in Wickham Skeith. There wasn't a dry eye in the house when, once again, Arthur 'Toad-in-the-Hole' Shellbottom was declared Champion Pitcher and Foremost Penny Ruminator. Taking a long draught from his pint of Dringey Forplaint Special Ale, the Professor began his solemn tale: “Shellbottom's great-grandfather was the principal reason that my own ancestor became an academic and funambulist. The two men were great rivals in the hatting business, vying for the role of principal supplier of doubtful hats to the Federation of Minor Cricket Umpires and Croquet Mallet Makers. My great-grandfather thought he had the edge on his opponent with his use of the finest gutta-percha in his much-admired, multicoloured trilbies. But there was no way he could compete with Shellbottom's development of a range of ventilated hats named after British politicians of...
In recent years, the Professor has become fascinated by the legend of The Almost Invisible Cat of Aston by Budworth. He has told me on numerous and, frankly, wholly inopportune occasions that he regards this legend as a fine metaphor for both our age and also the state of Implausible Scholarship. He was, however, enraged by a recent paper published in “The Journal of Insupportable News and Questionable Theories” which suggested that the creature actually exists in this world (or reality, as it's sometimes called). It went so far as to allege that the cat was known by the name “Rakehelly Sausagement”. The author of this paper, Mr Stonton Wyville, is both an eminent cryptozoologist and a specious opportunist who is probably best known for his essay “Mermaid of Mawgan Porth” and his televised documentary “The Unexpected Dog Wearing A Hat of Mortimer's Cross”. The Professor has attempted to enter into a debate on this issue but Wyville insists on presenting his arguments solely ...
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