As he sipped his glass of Madeira, the professor entertained us with the tale of his attempt some years ago to break the world record for staring at chickens.
ChopChop has an intensely irritating propensity for somewhat cryptic practical jokes and, as his sojourn in this version of reality dragged on, he began to indulge in this pastime. The first report I received was from The Ashby Puerorum Ghost Museum, where an unaccredited, seagull guide had been causing considerable disquiet and turmoil among the visitors and exhibits with his specious attempts to explain quantum theory and his unauthorised cocktail mixology. (Incidentally, I've always been a little disappointed by the gift shop here and can only award it 2 out of 5 stars). By the time I arrived at the museum, ChopChop had disappeared, of course. Shortly thereafter I received a call from Lord Acnestis, owner of the Victorian country house Lickpenny Hall. It seems that, after summoning a number of guests in mysterious circumstances, ChopChop had arrived during dinner in the guise of Inspector Toucan and solemnly declared that there had been no murder or crime of any kind, that the ...
The Professor's family is famed for their alternative version of croquet. The game does include a ball and mallets (they're not fools and they own no flamingos) but it also requires a dialogue prior to each play in which the protagonists argue why the ball should be hit in any given direction. Indeed, there is no obvious need to hit the ball through any hoops since that is considered a distraction. The scoring system, moreover, is a thing of great beauty and emotional resonance, but is also completely incomprehensible to anyone other than Biskan Cannikeeper, Professor Emeritus of Mathematics and Loggats at Knave-Go-By University, who devised it. It is not clear if anyone has ever actually won a game. Although, this is not thought to be important. The Professor's Great Aunt Torrididdle was perhaps the finest exponent of this version of the game. She failed to win a single match but reduced any number of politicians, judges and other turncoats to states of silent bewilderment...
The Professor often appears to be a paragon of equanimity. However, there are incidents from his past which, to this day, trouble him greatly. In particular, the difficult episode concerning Faustroll and the umpire comes to mind. During a match at Gussage St Andrew, Faustroll instigated a heated discussion with the umpire on the interpretation of the LBW rule which then escalated into a disagreement on the way apples should be added to an apple cake. Play was suspended and fears were expressed that the entire season might be disrupted. The Professor intervened and began to deliver a long lecture on Marcel Proust's cycling tour of Norfolk during which the celebrated author learnt the secret of bowling a particularly devious googly. Proust is said to have subsequently employed this version of the wrong'un to great effect against a visiting Norwegian eleven in a match at Balbec. So tedious did this lecture prove to be that Faustroll and the umpire agreed to differ before the P...
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